Culture

Can you envision your future?

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One of the first things I do with a new client is ask them what the next 5-10 years looks like for them – in other words, what do they want their life to be?

Most people can’t answer that question or if they do it’s very vague.  Most say they just want to be successful, or be a millionaire.  That doesn’t cut it for me – I want specifics.

When you are crystal clear on what you want, creating the path to get there is far easier to follow and keep yourself accountable.

Here’s how to get started:

  1. Create a vision board, vision book, or write a story about what your ideal life looks like. Include everything you want.  The idea is to get you to a point where you can taste, hear, touch, and feel exactly how your life will look like.
  2. Get a planner or a notebook – you will now be living your life in 90-day increments. Create your first 90 plan – what goals do you want to accomplish by the end of those 90 days – all have to be related to achieving your ideal life.
  3. Create a list of things you will need to DO in order to reach said goals in #2. Be very specific.  If you want to be debt free what are the specific things you will need to do to get there?
  4. Break it down into daily activities – what do you need to do each day to cross the things you created in #3 off your list?
  5. Hold yourself accountable by telling someone else your plan.
  6. Do weekly recaps – where are you, where did you lag, where are you ok? If you are crossing everything off your list without a struggle or a little discomfort it’s probably too easy.  Beef it up a bit. 🙂  If you are struggling to cross anything off – reassess the list.  Are you just not doing the work or were you unrealistic on what you had on there?
  7. At the 70 day mark start thinking about the next 90 days.
  8. Rinse and repeat.

In order to achieve what most people will tell you is unachievable you need to be able to envision your success and start living “As If” you are already there.

Be a dreamer. Adopt the “Yes I can, and Yes I will” mindset.  Write it down.  Take Action.

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Stop asking “what do you do?” – ask this instead…

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It seems like every time you meet someone new at a networking event, social gathering, or via an acquaintance the first question people ask, besides the standard “how are you”, is “what do you do?” For some reason I’ve always hated this question. I think it started back when I worked for a manufacturing company because it was always so hard to give a 30 second summary of what I actually did. Sure, my official title was Customer Service Rep., but it really didn’t tell people what I did. Of course, I dealt with customer orders, complaints, and questions, but I also worked on inventory, handled the shipping paperwork, sent invoices, and even helped in various other departments when needed.

It wasn’t just about trying to explain my job, I also had to explain what the company did, which could get technical, but we won’t get into that. But all that aside, what does my job really have to do with me. My job doesn’t define me, I didn’t grow up saying I wanted to be a CSR. Even now with a job title of President, it still doesn’t help you get to know me any better does it?

So, after years of answering and even asking the question “So, what do you do?”, I’ve decided that the phrase is now dead to me. I’ve deleted it from my vocabulary. If you really want to get to know people, start asking them “Who are you, what are you passionate about?”. Here’s why. What you do is such a small part of who you are. Let’s pretend you just asked me “So Jenn, what do you do?” my standard response is “Well Joe, I’m the President of Red Barn Consulting, a sales, marketing, operations, and biz coaching and consulting company. I pretty much handle all the day to day operations and make sure everything gets done.” That’s pretty boring right. You really didn’t learn anything about me – other it’s my responsibility to make sure shit gets done.

Now, let’s pretend you asked me my new go to question about who I am and what I’m passionate about. Here’s how I would respond. “ Hi Joe, thanks for asking! I’m a wife, pet mom to 3 cats and 2 crazy German Shepard puppies, and an avid animal lover. I work for Red Barn Consulting, a sales, marketing, operations, and biz coaching consulting company, and I love what I do because I get to learn new things, work from home so I can spend time with my zoo, and I handle all the operations of the company – I make sure nothing falls through the cracks. I’m also very interested in Real Estate, own a 3 family investment property, plan to get my license eventually, and I LOVE to travel – especially to anywhere in the Caribbean. I have a passion for baking, I’m a neat freak, but I also love spending time outside getting dirty, at the gym, or relaxing in my pool. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies and I’m a Harry Potter dork.”

Which question gave you more insight in to who I really am and what I love to do? Where you able to find anything that we have in common? Asking better questions leads to better conversation and truly tells you about who the person is. I don’t care if you are a CEO, janitor, or mid-level manager. I want to know why we should be connecting. What do we have in common. When it comes to networking, it’s not all business – it is personal and that’s how you make those connections. I want to learn about people, what makes them tick, what do they love to do.

Next time you attend a party, networking event, etc. give my new method a try. And make sure you let me know how it goes. Let’s try to start a new trend!

Stop asking “what do you do?” – ask this instead… Read More »

authenticity

Marketing 101 – Why Authenticity wins the game every time

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Whether you are offering a service or selling a product, at the end of the day your buyers don’t want to be “marketed to”, they don’t want to be told what they should buy.  What they want is an emotional relationship that makes them feel good about the decisions they are making.

If you want to create brand evangelists versus just transactional “buyers” the one thing you need to rock is…

AUTHENTICITY

How does one be “Authentic” in a world of crazy chaos and “fake news” – how can you show your prospective customers the real you?  And yes, you do need to show them the real you – the real authentic you.

Here are my rules of engagement.

  1. Your personal brand is NOT different than your professional brand. I am not a “formal conservative person”, therefore my company website is fun and loud, my bio is very conversational on my website – and I am an open book on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  Love me or hate me – I am who I am.  I attract clients who match my vibe, who understand me and well…. like me!
  2. Educate. Educate. Give your customers something that means something to them.  Give them what they want, not what you think they need.  Well, most of the time.  80% of your content should be what your customers will want to read, something they will find value in.  In many cases, your customers may not know they have a problem until you enlighten them – that’s when the 20% comes in. That’s when you identify the pain and show your solution.  Once you show that you understand them, and you have given them something of value over and over again – they will consider buying from you.
  3. Talk to them!  The best content is conversational.  Use email campaigns to “talk” with your prospects and customers, use video, chatbots.  And yes, even have IRL (in real life) conversations with them.  Remember – this isn’t about selling, it’s about showing the real you, and connecting with them on an emotional level.
  4. Know what you and your Brand stand for. So many people shy away from taking a social stand – I don’t – at all. If someone doesn’t agree with the fact that I’m a liberal that’s ok.  I’m not for everyone.  What do you stand for?  What does your brand stand for?  WHY are you in business – and why does it matter to your clients and prospects?  Being transparent is critical.  Be raw, be open and share personal stories.
  5. The Sword is mighty. If you or your brand makes a mistake – and it’s tossed out on social media, address it publicly.  Apologize and make it right.  Be respectful.  You will be amazed how you can turn an angry prospect or client into a brand evangelist.  Validate their pain – because it is REAL.  Take it offline to work out the details.  This holds true for any unhappy customer – remember this is focused on emotions.  Put yourself in their shoes – how would you feel?  More importantly, how would you like to be treated?  Yes, the Golden rule applies here.

I, like many business owners, was afraid to show my true colors until I said screw it, tossed the marketing 101 old school shit in the garbage and just went for it.  The result was magical.  I no longer work with clients that I don’t like, that don’t appreciate me, and that don’t – well, mesh with my brand.  I also have a sense of freedom around my brand.  The funny thing is, I’m raw, I’m open, I tend to swear just a little bit in my copy and so many of my loyal tribe are what you would deem conservative – in that they have c-level jobs in conservative industries.

One day we won’t have to say – Don’t judge a book by its cover – because the cover will be who the people really are.  Times are changing in corporate America and I LOVE IT.

If you want to see more of the real me – sign up for my Thursday morning missives – they are 100% raw, authentic and transparent Cindy.  They come out weekly – on Thursdays at 6 am.  To be honest – it’s my journal that I share with the world.  No secrets.  Just me.

Cindy

PS – one of the #1 ways I get new clients is from that Thursday email – and I rarely talk about Marketing, Sales or Biz Ops.  Go figure!

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giving

The Power of a Giving Mindset

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\”The reason I\’ve been able to be so financially successful is my focus has never, ever for one minute been money”, Oprah Winfrey – Harpo

So many business owners I know, or wanna-be business owners for that matter, focus on the almighty dollar.  How to make it, how to spend it, and they feel once they have “it” they will be successful.  This “need” for money engrosses them and in the end, it will never be enough to make them happy.   #toughlove

Not that making money is a bad thing, it isn’t, and every business owner needs to be acutely aware of his/her finances both in the business and personally.   Money also allows us to feed our needs and wants, and hopefully give back in some way.  Making money isn’t evil, nor is being wealthy.

The evil happens when, as a business owner, you put money before people or money before the vision.

The road to wealth is riddled with ups and downs – the money is never guaranteed but the pain along the way surely is!  When you focus on the money and forget your WHY – the emotional pain becomes crippling.  But this is another blog all in itself – back to the money over people part…

The way to grow a successful business is to GIVE.

  • Give to your potential clients – free content, free samples, free advice, free time… something that will let them know THEY matter and that YOU get THEM on a deep emotional level.
  • Give to your team. This is leadership 101 – but as the owner, the bucks stops with you.  When things are great – give your team ALL the credit.  When things are going badly – you 100% of the time take the sword. Always. Always. Always.  Putting your employees first matters in so many ways.  Employees who feel valued will always go above an beyond for you and your business, but more importantly for your customers.
  • Give of yourself. Most entrepreneurs I know have deep industry knowledge on something.  For me, I’m a business coach, a strategist with deep fingers in the marketing world.  I’m a storyteller, a writer, a trainer, and speaker.   Those are my superpowers.  What brings me joy is helping others do what I do – help them build a business, help them become a business coach or a consultant.  I try to give back when I can.  I’m always up for lunch so someone can pick my brain – I’ll tell them straight up my opinion on what they need to do to reach their full potential.

When you adopt a giving mindset, the world shifts.  Sure this sounds new-agey, but it isn’t.  It goes back to the golden rule of treating others how you would like to be treated.  You need to GIVE in order to GET.

Let go of the focus on money, and focus on helping others.  Help others achieve what you have.  Help your employees, help potential clients, help your current clients – help people in your community.

Trust me – when you do this – the money will come.  It always does.  Interview any multi-millionaire and they will probably tell you this:

  1. They don’t focus on the money
  2. They have grit and determination
  3. They have patience – Rome wasn’t built in a day
  4. They let go of their ego and realized that they need to surround themselves with people who are smarter than they are and can fill the gaps.
  5. They focus on their strengths and outsource the rest.
  6. They practice mindfulness and gratitude – that includes a mindset of giving and giving anonymously

Give to Get.  The Secret to Success.

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Changing Career Gears

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Thanks for following our blog, we have a special treat for you today, a guest blogger. Bill Cox is a local Realtor and a recent graduate of our Business Success Framework course. Enjoy Bill\’s blog and POV on how to handle changing careers after 32 years of teaching!

Fifteen or so years ago, while still in the role as a public school teacher, I remember reading about life in the private sector.  Subsequently, I spent hours in conversation with those actually living the life outside of the school walls – how was their career experience different than mine?

The point-of-departure for that difference seemed to be the fact that they would have two, three, or more careers during their working lives, whereas I knew (at the time) that I would be a teacher for 32 wonderful years, and then simply retire.  Life was fairly status quo as a teacher, sure we got the new stream of eager students each year, the biggest changes for those of us at the school would be which grade we taught in a particular year; perhaps which district school we would be assigned to; and often, which zany, empty-suit principal would be making the speeches.  You can tell I loved the kids far more than the establishment, but that is another story.  I’m an old rock and roller.  A trombonist who back in the day donned long hair and (gasp) wore bell bottoms.  I was probably the student my then empty-suited principal would shake his head at.

So eventually, retirement came.  I had the proverbial party and all was grand until it wasn’t.  I was bored. After seven years of retirement it dawned on me that I needed a challenge, I needed to exercise my brain again.  Here’s what I knew: I loved to work and learn new things.  I loved meeting people,  I love helping people through change, and I love helping by supplying creative solutions to whatever the problem is.

I wasn’t really sure how to use my previous experience – how to find the “right” thing to get me energized. Remember, I had the same career for 30+ years and no, I did not have a resume!  I really needed to get over being at-all tentative and look for some like-minded types.

Who was like me?  Who loved all those things I loved?  He or she needed to be outgoing, imaginative, and absolutely fearless about the unknown.  Flexible and motivated!

I found the master, he was a guy who lived right in town who I knew just to say hello – the indomitable, high-spirited Ted Murphy who was really the ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ Jimmy Stewart character by reputation.  Unlike the movie character George Bailey who ran the local ‘building and loan’, Ted Murphy was a real estate broker of significant renown.  He and I went to lunch where I confessed I didn’t know much about real estate, and even less about private sector business.  He laughed and told me that what mattered was how I viewed people in general and if I was a good guy. And if I had a sense of humor, of course. I liked him even more at this point, I’m a good guy – he’s a good guy.  Sounded like I hit the jackpot!

His final words of wisdom after that faithful lunch and the words that sealed the deal on my post retirement venture are these:  “You’ll learn, but learn it in the context of staying positive, helpful, and wanting a challenge. “  In other words, it isn’t about the money, it isn’t about the sale, it isn’t about how many awards you get it’s about helping people, staying positive and last but surely not least just have some grit and determination.  Ok – I was in.  From that point on, everything got better and better, and if I was concerned about being bored in retirement or becoming somewhat dull or predictable,  – that was never going to happen in this new environment.

So after a couple of years being in this office, all I can say is that the rapport; the dialogue; the zaniness; the jokes (OMG); and just the SPIRIT of it all makes all the situation comedies on television dull by comparison.

About Bill Cox

Bill Cox has been a resident of the Litchfield community since 1987.  He graduated from Scarsdale High School in New York and holds degrees from Columbia University, the University of Bridgeport, and from Western Connecticut State University.  Bill retired from a 30-year teaching career in Westchester County in 2010 and is currently a Realtor for EJ Murphy Realty.  Bill and his wife, Trudy, live on Avalon Lane in Bantam where they raised their two children.

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MK’s Cake Theory

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I always learn something from my clients – always!  That’s what makes my role as CEO at the Red Barn so fascinating and well, fun!

One such client is Mary Katherine (MK)  Moore, Director of Marketing at NeuGroup.  She is a quintessential southern, fierce red-head with some great stories and tons of great analogies.  MK is a firm believer in do what you do best and stop wasting time on what aren’t your superpowers.  I call it her Cake Theory.

As MK tells it.

I’m a great baker.  I know the process for making a fabulous cake. The perfect texture in the crumb, delightful filling, and frosting that doesn’t mask the taste of the cake but compliments it.  I also have all the right tools – Kitchen-Aid mixer, scale, measuring gadgets and of course an oven that doesn’t burn everything that’s put in it.  Oh – and add in some fabulous cool aprons  – because you have to, of course, look the part.  I also ALWAYS have the perfect ingredients on hand at all times so when the urge hits me to whip up a cake – boom, I can do it and have that baby in the oven in 20  minutes.  Depending on the recipe and the size of the pans (of which I have every which one you can imagine) my cake is out of the oven and cooling in 25-60 minutes on the perfect cooling racks.  45 minutes later it’s ready to frost.  Of course, it’s displayed on a delightful vintage cake stand that every southern grandmother would be proud to put on her linen covered porch table, with a pitcher of sweet tea on the side.

The result – no stress, a perfect cake, and super happy guests who have been invited over for afternoon tea and cake.  BOOM!

Now – ask a non-baker to do the same task.  No tools, no ingredients on hand, and hell no on the knowledge that you need to alternate the flour mixture (sifted not once but two or three times) with the milk, and that you need to beat it just the right amount – not too long, but not too short to get the perfect cake.

The result – STRESS, hot mess, bad cake, unhappy guests, and super unhappy baker.

Now equate this to business.  When you ask someone to go WAY OUTSIDE not only their comfort zone but their skill zone you will indeed get the unskilled baker’s barely edible fallen cake – one like you would see on a Pinterest FAIL list versus MK’s fabulous coconut cake with 7 minute frosting that would win a blue ribbon at any county fair.

Moral of the story:  Do what you do best, outsource the rest.  No one is GREAT at everything, but we are all great at something.  Stop wasting time, money, and energy trying to be something you are not.

Be like MK, be a blue ribbon winner not a Pinterest Cake Fail.

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168 Hours – Are you making the most of them?

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We all have the same number of hours in a week, so how is it that some people manage to be so productive, like Gary V, while others can barely manage to check a few items off the to do list. Are we so obsessed with trying to save time and complaining that there is never enough time, that we aren’t focusing on how we are spending our time? Think about that for a second. When you are doing something you don’t like, let’s say running on a treadmill or preparing a report for work that you know no one even reads, how fast does time go by? It crawls. 5 minutes feels like 5 hours. BUT when you are doing something you love, accomplishing things that mean something to you, 5 hours starts to feel like 5 minutes! So, if you like hiking, why are you on the treadmill day after day. If you don’t like your job and its requirements, why are you spending 40 hours a week being miserable?

Laura Vanderkam, who studies Time Management, thinks that time isn’t the issue. \”We don\’t build the lives we want by saving time,\” Vanderkam said in her TedWomen talk in 2016. \”We build the lives we want, and then time saves itself.\”

Some of the most famous business people today never complain that there aren’t enough hours in a day or week, and they probably accomplish more in a week than most of use accomplish in a month. So, what’s their secret? Is it simply because they love what they do, or do they have some magical ninja fairies in their pockets helping them get shit done? Here are a few strategies Vanderkam uses to manage her own time.

Track your time

I once had a boss who had my entire department track our time for over a month. This required filling out a spreadsheet with what we did every minute of every day. How many orders I processed, and how much time I thought those took, phone calls, responding to emails, etc., etc. It got to the point where I was adding in funny stuff to see if he noticed. He didn’t. HOWEVER, you should track your time for one week. It doesn’t have to track every minute but write down things in 30 min. increments. It might feel tedious to start and one more thing you have to do, but you might be surprised at what you discover and where you are actually spending your time. You might find that you spend several hours a week reading articles on Facebook or LinkedIn, yet you’ve been complaining that you haven’t had any time to read some new books.

Take breaks

Your brain cannot function for hours on end on the same task without taking a break. A break some rejuvenate and refresh you. You might find that you THINK you are taking breaks, but scrolling through social media, personal emails, or texting are NOT breaks for your brain – or your body. These breaks aren’t really breaks at all. Doing all those things are fine, and you should plan those in to your day, but you also need to get up, move around, and reboot your brain. Step away from the electronics!

Less is more

When it comes to making a to do list, less is more. Having a short, manageable list is MUCH easier to navigate than pages and pages that cover your whole list of monthly items. A long list = failure. You want to feel accomplished at the end of the day and check off several if not all the items on the list will keep you motivated. This list should be for both work and home – they are equally important.

Your time is your own. How you choose to spend it is up to you. Your boss, spouse, or even kids don’t make that choice for you – you do. You can’t make more time. You can’t put it in an account for a rainy day. Those 24 hours a day, 168 hours a week will get spent regardless. Make every minute count and be on your terms.

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What drives you matters

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Y’all know I’m a huge fan of Simon Sinek’s “Start with Why” (ps affiliate link). His philosophy states that people don’t buy what you do or how you do it, they buy based on WHY you do what you do.  That WHY is what creates brand evangelists, followers, groupies – they drank the proverbial Kool-Aid of you and your brand. It’s kind of magical on so many levels.  #gamechanger

Here’s the thing, what motivates you to act matters.  When your WHY motivates you, you have a sense of thrill, a sense of pride, and a sense of calm about your actions even about the unknown.  I’m not suggesting it isn’t scary at times, but your deep seeded emotional motivations will carry you in an amazing way IF you remember WHY you started on the course you did.  Kind of sounds like marriage therapy – doesn’t it?  When couples are at a rough patch, therapists will often ask them to remember WHY they were drawn to each other in the beginning? Why did they fall in love?  What do they love about each other?  The WHY motivation is no different.  What drives you should not only inspire you, it should inspire others.

It’s the same thing when it comes to everything else in life – business, friendships, marriages, hobbies – it doesn’t matter.  What drives you DOES matter.

Compare the WHY scenario  to a fight or flight motivation.  You do something, you take action because you have to, because you are afraid of the consequences or perhaps because you are being forced.  There is no positive emotional connection to the action, it doesn’t bring you joy – the end result, nor the journey

When it comes to being an entrepreneur, I can promise you this is by far one of the most important things to grasp.  You MUST be emotionally and deeply connected to what you are doing if you want long term success.  You must believe in your WHY, so that others will believe it and more importantly so that passion will carry you through the rough patches.

When you don’t love Mondays ( beyond Simon this is my other favorite topic to rant on and on about) – you are in the wrong career, in the wrong space.  If you own a business and dread Mondays you are not driven by your WHY you are driven by a fight or flight.  I’m not talking one bad Monday, I’m talking “Sunday 2pm OMG tomorrow it all starts over type of I hate Mondays”.

What drives you to succeed matters, and it should never be about money. #gamechanger (TWEET THIS)

Money is a fight or flight motivator.  You fear not having enough.  You take actions based on how much you will earn or how much it will cost.  You aren’t driven by your WHY.  Think about that for a minute, I mean really think it through.  How are you motivated?

Sit down and make a list of 10 things that bring you joy, 10 things that you are really great at and 10 things that you want to accomplish in the next 5 years.  If less than 50% of them align with what you are doing right now career wise – consider the possibility that you are not in the right space and that you are driven by some motivations that aren’t aligning with your WHY.

If money is on the joy list – think about why and consider a rethink. What about money brings you joy?  Is it the security?  If so – change the word to security 🙂  just a little mindfulness tip.

This stuff matters, don’t brush it off.  When you grasp this and practice it – it’s a big time #gamechanger

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Can you have it all?

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There are a myriad of books, blogs and coaches who tell you that yes, indeed you can have it all. Successful business or career, happy home life and the magical happy you. Trust me, I’ve read a bunch and spent 5 figures on coaches working on just this.

I wanted to learn how to just BE. Be in the moment and turn my brain off to the other things wandering around in there.

When I’m in the moment working – I want to be there, but when I’m not in my office doing deep work I want to turn it off. Can some people do it? Sure. Is it easy. Absolutely not. Have I accomplished my life long dream of work/life/me balance? Well sort of, because it takes super powers on some levels, patience (of which I have little) and perseverance.

Here’s where I typically get hung up. When I’m deep and narrow into something – I have a hard time being deep and narrow on other things. So when I’m super into being healthy – I feel I need to give 100% to that and other things fall by the wayside. It seems like I can only be hyper excited and focused on ONE THING. By the way – many, including Gary Keller in his book The One Thing. Feel that focusing on only one thing brings better results. I agree – but what about all the other “stuff”? How do you balance it!

Here’s what I’ve learned

  1. Be realistic and cut yourself some slack. There is no such thing as the perfect life or person.
  2. Do what brings you joy
  3. Know what is really important to YOU – not what’s important to others
  4. Surround yourself with people who bring you joy
  5. Be in the moment to the best of your ability.

Through my journey, I discovered I spent a lot of wasted time trying to make other people happy. I’m done. Now – if I want to quit work at 2 pm and get my hair cut I do it. If I want to work a 16-hour day – I do it. That’s my balance. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone but me.

I’m realistic about my time and more importantly my energy and what brings me joy. When I’m in the work zone – and having fun, I stay there. Like now – I’m in the writing zone so I’m pumping out content. When I’m not in the work zone – I give myself a break. Perks of being an entrepreneur – but I chose that life because it makes me happy. (see #2)

So that’s the secret – it’s all about being true to YOU and the hell with everyone else and all the self help books on the subject. Your life is vastly different than mine – but in the end life is too damn short to be unhappy.

About that One Thing – yes it works. When you are acutely focused on the mission at hand, shit happens for the better. When I sign up for a road race, I plot my training plan and I focus on that one thing when it comes to exercise – but that doesn’t mean I disappear off the face of the earth until the race is over.

Try being nice to you – and yea, you can have it all.

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It’s time to lose the Dead Weight!

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You’ve heard of a detox before – whether it’s a diet, cutting yourself off from bad habits, or a break from technology and the black hole of the digital world – but have you considered doing a detox to rid your life from negative vibes and the people who cause them?

You’ve probably become so accustomed to some people’s behavior that you might not notice that their negativity is rubbing off on you or that they really aren’t cheerleading for you to be successful. Positive things come to those who have a positive mindset. You can practice gratitude, do affirmations, and positive thinking all day, but if you are consistently in a negative environment, you are just setting yourself up for failure.

You might not even realize who the toxic people are in your life without taking some time to really think about it. Have you shared a dream or goal with someone and their response was “you’re too old to change paths or try something new”, or “you don’t know enough about XYZ to be successful”? Those people are the dead weight, the toxic dream killers that are preventing you from believing in yourself and your goals. Their negativity will eventually seep into your veins – trust me.

There are all kinds of negative people out there, some are jealous of what you are doing or trying to accomplish, some just hate change or don’t have the same opinion as you do, and others are just downright miserable and want everyone to be miserable too. Some of those toxic, dead weight people might even try to make you feel uncomfortable, guilty, or even ashamed about the positive changes you are trying to do in your life. Regardless of the reason, it’s time for a detox to get rid of the dead weight. Keep in mind there are levels of toxicity and some people you can’t really cut out of your life for good (coworkers and family), but you can create some distance. Someone who is an Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh’s depressed donkey friend) probably isn’t very toxic, but they just bring your mojo down. I’d suggest distance vs. the ax.

These are the people who are most likely toxic:

Those who try to control you. These people usually aren’t in control of their lives, so they will try to control or manipulate others.

The people who ignore your boundaries. If you ask someone to stop behaving a certain way to you or around you, and they continue, then they are toxic and thrive on violating your boundaries.

The takers. A relationship is about give and take. If they only stick around when there is something in it for them, then you need to move on. If they aren’t going to be there when you need them, but constantly have their hand out, the relationship is dead.

The people who are always “right.” If they can’t admit that they are wrong or messed up, even when they know they did, it’s time to move on.

The liars. A little white lie or an exaggeration every now and then is to be expected. But you can’t trust people who blatantly and repeatedly lie. The victims. It doesn’t matter the situation, they are always claiming that they have been oppressed, put down, and marginalized in ways they clearly are not.

The finger pointers. Along with being always right and the victim, are the people who never take responsibility. When they take the role of victim and never admit they are wrong, they refuse to accept that they are responsible for their choices and the outcome of their life.

So now that we’ve identified those who are killing your positive vibes, how do you get rid of them? Burning bridges is never a good idea, so some tact will need to be involved. Depending on your relationship with the person and how involved they are in your life, here are some ways to start cutting ties:

  1. Write down why you feel the person is toxic and negatively affecting your life – these notes are for yourself, you may need them later.
  2. Talk to them. Keep it simple and explain how you feel. Remain calm and don’t offer deep explanations.
  3. If you must see them at work or at family functions, distance vs. separation will be the key here. Try to reduce the number of interactions you have with them. Make polite conversation but don’t share information about your personal life beyond being courteous.
  4. Unfollow them or block them on social media. Out of sight, out of mind. If they don’t see your updates on social media, then they won’t be able to say anything negative about what you are doing.
  5. If they try to make amends, remember step number 1 and go back and review your notes. At this point, only you can decide if it’s worth a second chance.

That’s my PSA. Yes, it’s much easier said than done, but once you start trimming off that dead weight, you’ll start to see how much more positivity is in your life and it might just inspire you to do some great things!

It’s time to lose the Dead Weight! Read More »